Back to school, back to school. Officeworks must have heaved under the strain of catering to all our federal pollies this week, as they returned to the House on the Hill to do battle this election year.
With a couple of new kids in the class - little Paulie Fletcher from Bradfield and Kelly O'Dwyer from Higgins - and Turnbull on the silver seat (No Hat, No Play), the new year kicked off to a bawdy start.
Tony Abbot is the latest King of the (Coalition) Kids, and though he’s been around for a few years, his nerves didn’t quite appear up to the challenge:
‘Mr Policy!’
Er.
‘Mr Speaker! Mr Speaker! First day nerves...’
He said it first.
Predictably, climate change dominated question time. The Coalition tabled a Climate Action Plan not hours before Parliament resumed for the year, proposing a Fund (financed how specifically is not yet apparent), opting for the carrot and stick approach to coax CO2 emmisions down with incentives.
‘My direct action plan versus his Great Big Tax On Everything.’
Lots of describing words there, and we can expect to hear them a few more times in the coming year.
However as Abbot attempted to command the attention of his opponents and the media, his own ranks resembled more closely a first day kindergarten class than a motivated opposition.
A great deal of yawning, watch-checking and jowel-fiddeling occoured in the front bench - Fran Bailey included, noted a friend of mine - while Malcolm Turnbull sank further and further into his seat (you know, the Wentworth one), repeatedly checking his diary as though hoping a pressing engagement might magically appear. One could easily anticipate a pick-and-flick or spit-ball in the midst of such devotion.
Up the back, permanently available assistant teacher Wilson Tuckey wailed in corroboration:
‘All they do is give out more free certificates!’
One may only assume he was referring to carbon permits, though there is always room for speculation there: Was he in fact referring to Merit Certificates? Is he in line for a gold star or an ‘Awesome!’ sticker? Tuckey can but live in hope like the rest of us.
A riled-up Greg Hunt called out names, to the great distress of Mr. S:
‘Mr Smarty Pants!’ He called Kevin, although no-one was sent to the corner or told to pick up papers at lunch.
All in all a colourful first day back. I wait with bated breath to give you more news of Parliament Primary and its pupils as it comes to hand.
